Got Some sunshine in my pocket
Creating art, is like always having a bit of sunshine in my pocket, when I need it the most. ☀️ Still much snow here in our yard. It is full of the wet sludgy stuff. While patiently Awaiting full spring to come, the ending of dark and beginning of light, the start of new growth, green things and everything’s wakefulness.
Growth 🌱 has started happening within my soul, a growth I wasn’t ready for till now. The season for planting new things is more than plants and flowers for me. I’m scared and a bit nervous, but excited to see the new things spring has in store. With growth comes change, and change takes work. The thought is exhilarating.
Growth isn’t always a forward motion. In this case its more of a back-sideways motion. Remebering our past isn’t always easy, and many times when we’ve had a hard time of it we have to forgive. Forgiving myself has always been the hardest thing to manage before now. It’s taken me years to get to where I am today. Today I can love myself as much as I love others. I can fufill my own needs without feeling guilt, and I can look at myself in the mirror while also looking myself in eyes. Maybe this is the norm for some or most. I’m not sure. I do know how hard it was for me to love myself when I was told for so long I was bad, or wrong, or not allowed to feel.
Those things tend to sink in after so many times hearing them. When I was younger I chose to BE what I was told I was. So I chose to be “bad“ because nothing I ever did was good enough. I Honestly remember making that choice.
Today, I choose to love myself and others. If I screw up I admit it to myself and whomever I messed up with. I apologize, and try to do better next time. I‘ve also had to forgive myself for many things, Abortions, rapes (which come to find out were NOT my fault) many years of drug use while being a parent. Waking up everyday and choosing to love myself was a chore at first. I’d Make myself write and say 5 good things about myself everyday for
Some time. They say it takes 28days to create a new pathway in our brain (this is why most rehabs are 28 plus days) I had to do this for more than a year to eventually believe it. I also made myself say five positive things, if I said or thought something negative about me or someone/something else. I had to completely rewire my brain. It was hard, But not so hard that I couldn’t do it. Losing so much at such a young age taught me to be grateful to every one and everything.
I am very grateful today for those who have helped along the way.
Now, with spring I feel more layers of the old me resurfacing to be loved And forgiven. I am very good at compartmentalizing issues. They are all put away in boxes. There are many things in my life I still haven’t faced, nor have I been ready too. I am choosing to remember. It’s a freeing prospect. It’s a frightening prospect. (Mortifying really) but all in all, I haven’t died from feeling... yet, so I think I survive this round too.
This is my 9th year, to the day that I left the hospital to start a new fingerless life. I am grateful for the opportunity to start a new.
We have the ability to start over at any point, whether it be midday or midlife. We’re not stuck where we’re at unless we choose to be.